The new King of the Blogs addresses the kingdom

If you don't know what this is about, see this post.

Scene: A castle in a crowded town, the city appears to have no order to it. Buildings crowd and trample upon other buildings. Streets run in random directions. The castle and indeed the whole city appeared to be constructed of a tangled mass of words.

An unruly and unwashed crowd fills the street below a balcony on the castle.

A dignified looking fellow appears on the balcony, and motions to quiet the crowd.

Onlooker #1: "Eh, who's that?

Onlooker #2: "That's the King of Fools, that is!

Onlooker #1: "Him? He don't look like any fool, he's normal looking, kinda elegant.

Onlooker #2: "What! Are you some sort of idiotarian? Here in blogosphere, that makes him a weirdo!"

Onlooker #1: "Oh yea, I knew that! Oooo, I don't like them rational types, they give me the willies"

King of Fools: "Citizens of Blogosphere, the tourney has ended! The old king is dead! All hail the new King!

An indistinguishable cheer/groan rises from the crowd.

The New King: "Greetings beloved subjects! Bloggers of the Sphere! I come before you to tell you of the state of our blogosphere and my plans for my reign!"

A small disturbance is heard from the back of the crowd.

The New King: "Fool, what is that commotion?"

King of Fools:" It's the Booze-Bloggers, sire, they're drink-blogging the speech. Everytime you say "blogosphere" they down another drink"

The New King: "Is that so? Well, this will quiet them!"

(to the crowd) "Blogosphere! and Blogosphere, blogosphereblogosphereblogosphereblogosphere!"

(Aside, to the Fool) "What are they doing?"

King of Fools: "I think they're fighting over the restroom sire"

The New King: (To the crowd)"The State of the Blogosphere is....well, it's in a state, that's for sure, and we're going to do something about it. Yes, as I look out across this kingdom I see... squalor, and squabling, confusion and conflict, but there is bad news out there too. Bloggers out there are toiling in abject loneliness, unloved and unlinked. It's a scene so sad, I could blog about it for at least a week! But I have a Plan! Yes! A real Plan. It's a Plan with nuance, and international approval! Uh.... I'd tell you about it, but I can't...it's written in French and you wouldn't understand.

But I understand, and that's why you're lucky to have me as your king. And lucky to have my fellow conspirators leaders as your fuedal lords. Smarter Cop, my Minister of Enforcement Peace, Bad Example, my Minister of Re-Education, and News From the Great Beyond, the new Archpriestess of Blogosphere. Send them your links and they will watch over you!

I know that some of you are concerned about the widespread conflict among the clans in Blogosphere!"

Onlooker #1: "I haven't seen any fighting among the clams!"

Onlooker #2: "Will you be quiet? I'm trying to live-blog the speech!"

The New King: "The battles between the moonbats of the blue zone and the wingnuts of the red zone have been bloody, and many innocent blogs have been caught in the crossfire. This was a great concern of mine, but I have had a chat with the minister of finance, and he tells me that bloody though it may be, it's good for business! So we, your King, will be provoking new conflict at every opportunity! Did you war-bloggers hear, by the way, what those knitting and sewing bloggers had to say about you? [Insert extensive cut-and-paste from some obnoxious blog, no matter what the subject.] Are you just going to take that?

Do not worry, dear subjects, that you will not be left out of this lucrative battling. In my kingdom there are confederations and and alliances for all of you. Indeed, any blogger can be a part of many cliques and cabals at the same time! You can be a right-wing, buddist, adult-oriented, humorous, sports and dog blogger! You can have a dozen blog-wars on-going at once! You'll never lack for posts again!"

Loud cheers from the crowd.

The New King: " Which reminds me...my own clan, the Purple Moderates, have long suffered under a lack of conflict. Too long we have gone without likage, our entirely reasonable and balanced posts elicit no storms of outrage, and no rush to defend. This must end! By decree of the King I declare that you must find all posts by Moderates, no matter how innocuous and non-commital, extremely offensive, and a threat to all you hold dear. Reds, stop posting about those loonies on the left and aim your links at those squishy centrists, who dare to expound a compromise solution!"

A growl rises from the red-shirted crowd on the right.

"And Blues! Don't waste your words on those troglodytes! Beware of the stealth enemy. They look like liberals, but shop at WalMart! Beware!"

The bongo drums on the left rise to a frenzy.

The New King:"Yes, everyone will have a plenty of enemies in my blogosphere and we will all prosper...except the cat bloggers. Blogging about kitty is too much even for me! I will banish all cat bloggers to chat rooms or Yahoo Groups (unless, of course, they become a source of inbound links). And you "on-line diarists". You pretend to blog about you "lives", but we are not fooled! You are bloggers, you have no life. Knock it off and attack a political enemy like the rest of us!

As I have nothing more to say to you, I will paste in a lengthy article I found on the web.

Now repeat the holy incantation with your King..." (All together) "Check it out!"

(quiety aside to the Fool) "Quick, Fool, paste in something lengthy, try the MSM"

Fool: "From the MSM? We hate them!"

The New King: "Yes, but there's so much delicious content to pillage there!"

The King withdraws into the castle as the crowd breaks out into fights over the speech.

The New King: "Arch Priestess, how are we doing?"

ArchPriestess: "Up 30 places in Technorati, you highness"

The New King: "Not enough! Can't we get Dan Rather to say something?"

They move off into the castle.

End of Scene